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Friday, January 2, 2015

The Grumpy Dwarf Critiques - Kickstarter "Spam" - Letters From the Mindless Marketers and Amateur Manipulators - Part the First



No, I ain't referin' to "spam" such as you get from certain "trolls" every time they launch a new Kickstarter severely in need of editing. No, I'm talking about the shite sent directly to Kickstarter creators, promising everything from raising millions of dollars to larger penises.

Lets all given some of these gems a look, shall we?

Hello there (gotta luv the impersonal greeting),

My name is Nick and I'm the lead crowdfunding Ad Specialist (me, myself and I) with Kick Me in the Nuts (not their real name). We're a unique service that specializes in launching highly targeted Facebook promotions for live Kickstarter campaigns like yours (yes, you Kickstarter campaign that we know nothing about).

Your project caught the attention of myself and my team (hey! look, we might have a new mark!). We noticed that you're not driving as many supporters from Facebook as you could be (because we have special powers), so we wanted to get in touch. How is your campaign going so far (we have no idea, so we need to have you tell us)?

If you want to cover all your bases, our targeted Facebook promotions are a very inexpensive and aggressive way get in front of your target market and drive new supporters. Learn more about our program here: Kickmeinthenuts.com/HowItWorks

It really doesn't get any better than our guaranteed reach too (or out reach around) (especially when you're crowdfunding on Kickstarter). I wanted to say that based on everything I've seen with your campaign and how many days you have remaining (because if we gave details, we'd actually have to look at your project, and we ain't wasting time on that shit), our promotions seem like a perfect fit for you.

Please take a look at our 3 different packages available (our most popular being the "Drive Supporters" package) on our website here: www.Kickmeintheasss.com/budget

Let me know which one you're most interested in (the one where you never email anyone ever again). I'd also like to talk more about your campaign and what your biggest headache has been when it comes to getting new supporters (I suspect emails like this)!
__

Looking forward to your reply,

Nick -- Ads Team

Call Us: (800) 999-Nevermind
Email: Nick@Kickmeinthenuts.com
Kickmeinthenuts.com -- We Make it Easy to Crowdfund with Facebook!

P.S. I'm always available to help! We've especially had a lot of success with campaigns
like yours in the Games category (we have absolutely no idea what your project is about)! Checkout some of our recent clients and testimonials here

unsubscribe from this list  (this means someone subscribed you to a list - naughty naughty)

Talk about an obnoxious pice of shit. Nick needs to get kicked in the nuts.
__________________________________________________________________________
JerryTheDick says:
I don't notice very much related to your project from a advertising perspective. You may possibly want to have a look at these crowd funding professionals (the only crowdfunding professional I know of is The Pundit - cough! cough! gag)

www.goo.gl/IEatPaint

they do a excellent job on social media. You could tweet to over 1 million targeted members for basically $10 "basically $10 (as in, "not really $10 but it sounds nice"). I've noticed them supporting other projects with crafting and publishing press releases as well.


Good luck!

At least Jerry is short - and still doesn't give a shit about who he is talking to. Yet ANOTHER form letter.
__________________________________________________________________________
Lali says:
Hi (faceless dude behind a Kickstarter),
Kickstarter uses an algorithm to rank campaigns on featured sections, the algorithm takes into account the number of contributions, social shares, unique site visits and other campaign activity. We offer services to boost those factors, starting at only $5!
We will make you a complementary contribution to your campaign (pay us $5 to support your project at the $1 level), we will share your project on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and LinkedIn with a combined total of 28 thousand followers (awesome - dumb fuck - I've got over 9k on G+, and they aren't paid or zombie nor do they expect to be constantly spammed by a spammer. Oh my God. Shit like this just pisses me off). If you are interested visit the link below to order my service.
http://bit.ly/kickstarterinthebutt

You will not receive any more messages from us unless you contact us.

I wish you lots of luck with your campaign!


Cheers

What the fuck is it with the impersonal form letter shit? I mean, if you want to manipulate someone, at least try to do so on a personal level.
____________________________________________________________________________
Scott Shitberg says:
Hello Niche (note - this is being addressed to +Pete Spahn at Small Niche Games),
congratulations on your success! (we don't need no proper capitalization!)- Guidebook to the City of Dolmvay
I have a great idea too, but I don't have enough funds to build the prototype (prototype?).
I am trying to raise money by selling the book I wrote (it's a fucking book! the prototype is the written words printed out on paper - if you can't fund that, Kickstarter can't help you)- http://goo.gl/griftingformoney
To be honest it's nothing special, but your support will be greatly appreciated http://goo.gl/griftingformoney)

Thank You!

No, thank you!

Alright, thus ends Part the First. Thanks Niche!


4 comments:

  1. I get these kinds of things too. I usually respond to them to have a little fun before KS deletes their account!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Here's my theory, and it explains why these letters necessarily have to be impersonal: they are targeting the suckers, the dudes who jumped into Kickstarter because they realized the world didn't have enough flashing light dice that can double as vertical stands for minis, and triple as anal beads or something. This is Joe Shmoe who makes his crazy-ass home video in his dirty socks while he has his on-the-sly Swedish girlfriend narrate the story even as his wife breastfeeds in the back. He, you see, is the one who is so enamored with his own idea that he is absolutely sure everyone else must be, too....and he has the retention of common sense comparable to a hole-ridden hobo sock used to squeeze out the blood from a particularly vicious midnight beating to insure that when he gets this email, be feels special, because suddenly and with great certainty he knows that Nick is speaking to him, personally. Because if he did have a lick of common sense he'd be able to pick up on the horribly crass fact that these letters depend heavily on people like him for their success.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Those are hilarious. I almost feel sorry for the suckers who think they are legitimate.

    I'm surprised no Nigerian royalty needs anyone's Kickstarter funds and bank account information to transfer oil money.

    ReplyDelete