Friday, January 2, 2015
The Grumpy Dwarf Critiques - Kickstarter "Spam" - Letters From the Mindless Marketers and Amateur Manipulators - Part the First
No, I ain't referin' to "spam" such as you get from certain "trolls" every time they launch a new Kickstarter severely in need of editing. No, I'm talking about the shite sent directly to Kickstarter creators, promising everything from raising millions of dollars to larger penises.
Lets all given some of these gems a look, shall we?
Hello there (gotta luv the impersonal greeting),
My name is Nick and I'm the lead crowdfunding Ad Specialist (me, myself and I) with Kick Me in the Nuts (not their real name). We're a unique service that specializes in launching highly targeted Facebook promotions for live Kickstarter campaigns like yours (yes, you Kickstarter campaign that we know nothing about).
Your project caught the attention of myself and my team (hey! look, we might have a new mark!). We noticed that you're not driving as many supporters from Facebook as you could be (because we have special powers), so we wanted to get in touch. How is your campaign going so far (we have no idea, so we need to have you tell us)?
If you want to cover all your bases, our targeted Facebook promotions are a very inexpensive and aggressive way get in front of your target market and drive new supporters. Learn more about our program here: Kickmeinthenuts.com/HowItWorks
It really doesn't get any better than our guaranteed reach too (or out reach around) (especially when you're crowdfunding on Kickstarter). I wanted to say that based on everything I've seen with your campaign and how many days you have remaining (because if we gave details, we'd actually have to look at your project, and we ain't wasting time on that shit), our promotions seem like a perfect fit for you.
Please take a look at our 3 different packages available (our most popular being the "Drive Supporters" package) on our website here: www.Kickmeintheasss.com/budget
Let me know which one you're most interested in (the one where you never email anyone ever again). I'd also like to talk more about your campaign and what your biggest headache has been when it comes to getting new supporters (I suspect emails like this)!
Looking forward to your reply,
Nick -- Ads Team
Call Us: (800) 999-Nevermind
Kickmeinthenuts.com -- We Make it Easy to Crowdfund with Facebook!
P.S. I'm always available to help! We've especially had a lot of success with campaigns
like yours in the Games category (we have absolutely no idea what your project is about)! Checkout some of our recent clients and testimonials here
unsubscribe from this list (this means someone subscribed you to a list - naughty naughty)
Talk about an obnoxious pice of shit. Nick needs to get kicked in the nuts.
I don't notice very much related to your project from a advertising perspective. You may possibly want to have a look at these crowd funding professionals (the only crowdfunding professional I know of is The Pundit - cough! cough! gag)
they do a excellent job on social media. You could tweet to over 1 million targeted members for basically $10 "basically $10 (as in, "not really $10 but it sounds nice"). I've noticed them supporting other projects with crafting and publishing press releases as well.
At least Jerry is short - and still doesn't give a shit about who he is talking to. Yet ANOTHER form letter.
Hi (faceless dude behind a Kickstarter),
Kickstarter uses an algorithm to rank campaigns on featured sections, the algorithm takes into account the number of contributions, social shares, unique site visits and other campaign activity. We offer services to boost those factors, starting at only $5!
We will make you a complementary contribution to your campaign (pay us $5 to support your project at the $1 level), we will share your project on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and LinkedIn with a combined total of 28 thousand followers (awesome - dumb fuck - I've got over 9k on G+, and they aren't paid or zombie nor do they expect to be constantly spammed by a spammer. Oh my God. Shit like this just pisses me off). If you are interested visit the link below to order my service.
You will not receive any more messages from us unless you contact us.
I wish you lots of luck with your campaign!
What the fuck is it with the impersonal form letter shit? I mean, if you want to manipulate someone, at least try to do so on a personal level.
Scott Shitberg says:
Hello Niche (note - this is being addressed to +Pete Spahn at Small Niche Games),
congratulations on your success! (we don't need no proper capitalization!)- Guidebook to the City of Dolmvay
I have a great idea too, but I don't have enough funds to build the prototype (prototype?).
I am trying to raise money by selling the book I wrote (it's a fucking book! the prototype is the written words printed out on paper - if you can't fund that, Kickstarter can't help you)- http://goo.gl/griftingformoney
To be honest it's nothing special, but your support will be greatly appreciated http://goo.gl/griftingformoney)
No, thank you!
Alright, thus ends Part the First. Thanks Niche!