Sunday, February 3, 2013

If D&D Sessions Had NFL Commentators in Their Dungeons

"I believe the coaches and the players are going to deal with it best they can." said by a stupid commentator from the field of the Superdome regarding the current power outage.

Wait, is the other option that the coaches and the players are going to deal with it as poorly as possible?

I can only imagine what would happen if RPG sessions had commentators on the field of battle:

"Yes, the players have taken a setback with the TPK, but I suspect they will be back with a vengeance."

"The goblins say that they are willing to parley and it's always an option in their playbook."

"The party's thief expects there will be traps but he's trained hard for such an eventuality and is ready for whatever is thrown at him."

"I spoke with the ogres in room 13 and their keeping themselves mentally prepared for their encounter with the PC party by exchanging mind twisters. They're still working on '2 plus 2'."

"The DM states that he always plays fair and never fudges a roll. Back when I was a DM I can't say I never fudged a die roll, but I always played fair."

God, I really hate the fucking talking heads, especially when they have nothing worthwhile to talk about.


  1. "I think losing their front line fighter can really hurt their game, although they might bounce back from it."

    Yeah, it a mix of obvious + indecisive. "This could be decisive, or not."

  2. The key to winning this game is to find a way to put more points on the board...

  3. "when it comes right down to it, this party is going to have to put more gold in the bag. Bodies just don't pay the bills"

  4. "Yes, the players have taken a setback with the TPK, but I suspect they will be back with a vengeance."

    Fucking yes. Erik, if you ever have a TPK, I want us to come back as undead looking for vengeance against the world.

    Not saying I want a TPK, but there's no reason to let a TPK keep us down!

  5. The player-characters are literally hacking and slashing the goblins's defense. The DM should have had the evil priest leave the goblins for second or third string, putting the hobgoblins up first with a bugbear center. But putting the ogres in 4th string as a special team can give the evil priest some heavy hitters in the dungeon's second half.

    *draws a bunch of squiggly lines on a dungeon map*

    See, its all about literally providing balance or the illusion of balance between monsters, treasure, and experience points, with the treasure being the cheese, the PCs being the rats, and the monsters being the trap. Experience, however, is what its all about.

  6. The British sports equivalent is "Colemanballs" - a term encompassing both meaningless filler and Yogi Berra-style malapropisms.


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