One Dead Ogre and Four Battered Egos (Guest Poster Charlie Akins - Dyvers Blog)

(+Charles Akins  is the proprietor of the Dyvers Blog, the go to location for capsule reviews of the blogs in the OSR corner of the universe.)

One Dead Ogre and Four Battered Egos

"The ogre is dead," I said as I threw a coke can into the steel trash drum for effect.

Dee looked up from where he had buried his head and said, "Grand. Does anyone feel like dancing?"

"Love to," Alice said with a smile, but I'm fairly certain that the effort would drop me."

"We should be better than this," Jeff grumbled, "There were four of us - a balanced party mind you - against a single ogre that talked like a three-year-old and had all the battle finesse of a brick to the back of the head!"

"There he goes bring up our sex life in public again," Alice groaned.

"I'm serious."

"So is she!" I exlaimed.

"Very funny, Charlie," Jeff said, "but you know damned well and good that there isn't a single reason in this world for us to have been overrun and damned near destroyed by that brain damaged -"

"You're taking this a bit personally, don't you think," Alice interrupted him. "It's just another tough fight in a campaign filled with them. I don't see any of us should be bent out of shape over a victory."

"We almost lost Joe in the second round!"

"I was fine," Joe said as he waved him off. "All he did was rip my arm off and beat me unconscious with it."

"That right there is exactly what I'm talking about! You were so busy making jokes about blowing guys in college that you didn't even think to ask for a spot check. Hell, you just walked right in and let him slap you about."

"By the way," Joe said to me, "thanks for not making the 'why are you hitting yourself jokes.'"

"Thought they would be a bit too obvious on my part."

"And look at the two of you acting like you're friends," Jeff practically shouted.

"We are friends," Joe said, "were all friends here."

"No we aren't," Jeff said as he crossed his arms. "He's the Dungeon Master - the enemy. You're a player and you need to remember that his only goal is to tell his story and kill us if we get out of line."

"What are you talking about," Alice asked, "he asked me to roll for a random encounter and I rolled a one. Did you honestly think that meant that you weren't going to fight anything?"

"Oh, I'm fine with fighting but that ogre battle was just him punishing me for stealing that gem back in town from the blind prophet."

"You've lost your damned mind," Joe said, "That's not how he runs."

"Of course you'd say that," Jeff mocked as he jabbed a finger in my direction, "you're friends. Well your friend here just threw an ogre at us that didn't follow the damage matrix from the monster manual."

"You've memorized the damage output for an ogre," I asked a bit incredulously.

"Yes."

"Dude, you need to fix your life," I said.

He stared at us, focusing on each of us in turn before he said, "You're going to let him talk to me like that? I'm the only one standing up for us after the bullshit he just pulled."

"I don't think I want to play Dungeons and Dragons with Jeff anymore," Joe said.

"Seconded," I called.

"Fine," Jeff said as he stood and started cramming his things in his backpack. "Then Alice and I won't play with you jerks anymore."

"Speak for yourself, Jeff," Alice said.

"Alice," he said with anger, pride, and hurt playing in his voice. "You can't stay with them. You're my girlfriend."

"Were," she said as she refilled my wine glass, "the word you are missing from that sentence was were. As in you were my girlfriend."

"You can't mean that," he said.

"Oh but I can," she said without a trace of kindness in her voice, "I won't fool with any man so selfish and unkind." Jeff stood staring at her for a few seconds before he turned and slammed the door behind him.

The room was still filled with the electrical static that always follows these sort of things. Then Joe moved next to Alice and said, "So now that you're single," she stared at him with a face flush with anger, "would you mind if I told people that we were having an affair and you were pregnant with my child."

"But you're gay," she said with disbelief.

"Shush," he said with an evil twinkle in his eye, "don't go telling the truth now and spoil my fun."