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Thursday, June 26, 2014

I Stumbled Across Cracked's "15 Retarded Dungeons and Dragons Monsters" from 2009



Cracked has an illustrated list of 15 Retarded Dungeons and Dragons Monsters. The post is from 5 years ago but is still fairly entertaining. I didn't recognize the vast majority, so I assume they are either 3e or 4e creatures (or possibly from the later 2e monster books).

That's number 14, the Gelatinous Cube at the top of the page.

It got me thinking about the lamest AD&D creatures. I think the Flumph get's high points here, but I still love the fuckers. Would never use them in game, but I enjoyed their appearances in OoTS.

So, what are your favorite retarded or lame AD&D creatures (I'm going to work on the assumption that most if not all will be coming from the Fiend Folio ;)




26 comments:

  1. I think all the edgy Hellraiser knockoff demons from Role Aids supplements.

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  2. Gas Spores, Mimics, Trappers, and Lurkers Above. Any of the monsters that serves ZERO purpose outside of screwing players.

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    1. Mimics trappers, and lurkers can certainly do their thing to eat goblins, kobolds and orcs.

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    2. In that case you forgot the Ear Seeker.

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  3. Axe Beak (killer ostrich?)
    Catoblepas (hippo/water buffalo from hell?)
    Al-Mi'raj (rabbit unicorns?)
    Flail Snail (c'mon, now you're just rhyming...)

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    1. Ostriches are freaking terrifying; they have feet like something out of Jurassic Park. A giant one would be even more terrifying. The axe beak seems to be based on the aptly-named "terror bird", a real prehistoric animal.

      The Catoblepas and Al-Mi'raj are actual creatures from mythology (for whatever that's worth).

      I can't defend the flail snail though.

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    2. The flail snail looks cool, though.

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    3. Catoblepas and AL-Mi'raj are both monsters taken from myth and predate D&D.
      Axe Beaks are prehistoric giant flightless predatory birds with a name than Prehistoric Giant Flightless Predatory Bird.
      Flail-snails... are goofy but, so are fire breathing lizards.

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  4. Cat lord (MMII) -- voted most punchable of all monsters (by me)

    I tend to hate MMII stuff more than FF. Their were some dumb ones in FF but I loved the illustrations and how they just broke completely with the emphasis on looting legends and mythology.

    I just looked at the Cracked thing again and the roving mauler is actually ripped off from an illo in Colin de Plancy's book on "real" demons, and the hippocampus of course is from classical art. It seems that a lot of monsters from history are considered goofy now. :/

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  5. New monsters are one thing I'll never defend about the 3E era. We had to steal all the good ones from older editions, and the whole Monster Manual line was a complete joke. I think there was one that was just a big spider with extra legs. Thank God for Necromancer Games!

    I don't know that it was ever considered "lame", but ear seekers are a commonly despised monster that I've always loved. They're one of the few monsters I'd have to include in every campaign

    I don't think frost salamanders get as much hate as they deserve. They may not look as stupid as the digester, but the concept is idiotic

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    1. Ah, the Chwidencha! A spider that's all legs and is another one of Lolth's punishments. Not only do the legs regenerate, but the creature is often a garbage disposal by other races.

      Yeah, many of the 3e monsters were just bad. At least bad monsters from earlier editions had a "pulp" feel to them and shorter stat blocks.

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  6. OoTS is Order of the Stick. It is a hilarious webcomic.

    My favorite absurd monster are Gelatinous Cubes. They may not have plausible physiology, but they are dreaded by any adventurer whose player is wearing the 'suspenders of disbelief'.

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  7. The Wolf-In-Sheeps-Clothing.

    Hands down the most absurd in my book.

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  8. Ok, so which one of yous guys is gonna write an adventure using only those 15 monsters from teh Cracked?

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  9. Stupid, useless monsters:

    Monster Manual: Morkoth
    Fiend Folio: Frost Man, Gorbel, Hook Horror, Tirapheg (dishonorable mention: Denzelian, though I can see a purpose for it)
    Monster Manual II: Squealer

    There are many others that I may not have any particular use for, but these ones are just dumb, and I have only rarely seen any of them in actual play in other people's games.

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  10. I've always been fond of the GelCube, ever since B1. But I like all the "housekeeping" critters, especially the ones that make players and their characters go "WTF?!". :D

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  11. http://www.toplessrobot.com/2008/12/the_10_most_evil_to_players_dd_monsters.php

    http://siskoid.blogspot.com/2010/05/fiend-folio-10-best-and-most-enduring.html

    http://siskoid.blogspot.com/2010/05/fiend-folio-10-silliest-monsters.html

    http://io9.com/the-surprising-inspiration-for-dungeons-dragons-weir-1488869413

    http://io9.com/the-10-most-memorable-dungeons-dragons-monsters-1326074030

    Some meta-commentary here. Cracked is like a bag of candy, very easy to get sick of it after one-too-many of their poorly researched posts. IO9 is about 40% political commentary disguised as geek news.

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    1. Maybe that's why I don't bother reading either except on rare occasion. Neither are to my taste. :)

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  12. These are all custom awesome monsters that some gamer thought were sweet and... custom awesome.

    This and Fiend Folio are where all that shit goes to die.


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  13. Totally unreletated but this is pretty cool.

    http://www.cracked.com/video_18965_85-gaping-plot-holes-you-didnt-notice-in-the-matrix.html

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  14. I always though gelatinous cubes were blobs that only looked cube-like because they were sliming through constricted hallways.

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  15. Forget the Fiend Folio (I loved that book.....grells and huecuva rule!....) I'll point to the All The World's Monsters series as the greatest collection of the worst monsters ever. Period! I think Chaosium even has a few up for sale in digital scans these days, and I can't bring myself to get them even just for the sad humor.

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  16. Modrons were the biggest waste of space I've seen

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